


Staccato Heart

by Pandacolyte



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), Angst, Established Relationship, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, My (two hour late) contribution to femslash febuary, Romance, Suicide Attempt, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-01
Updated: 2019-06-10
Packaged: 2019-11-07 10:27:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17958743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pandacolyte/pseuds/Pandacolyte
Summary: After what happened, Kaede couldn't stop her mind from racing. She couldn't stop thinking about how, if she had been just a little faster, a little more observant, everything would be fine right now. Sure, Shuichi survived, but how would the two of them move past this?





	1. Caesura

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Moon Tonight](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16871254) by [Hyacinthium](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hyacinthium/pseuds/Hyacinthium). 



> Thanks to my wonderful girlfriend for beta reading this, as well as to Hyacinthium for creating the series that inspired me to write this!

The sky was a bright blue, an odd contrast with the pounding rain that was pelting Hope’s Peak Academy. In that rain, Kaede Akamatsu walked back to her dorm, concealed from the downpour by a pink umbrella. She had cut her piano practice for that day short. She couldn’t focus at all. She was too worried about her boyfriend. Shuichi had been weirdly distant for a while now. Normally, the Ultimate Detective would be remarkably affectionate, sometimes even bordering on clingy. But recently, he’d been doing almost nothing but study and work, both from his room. He said everything was fine, but then proceeded to not contact her a single time without first being prompted. If she had to point to where this started, it’d have to be after they had… done it together for the first time. Given the timing, some part of her wondered if he was just faking his previous demeanor to use her, but she couldn’t believe something like that about him, especially since he hadn’t expressed any interest in doing that again. He  _ said _ he enjoyed it, but it still worried her. He seemed almost mechanical, absent during the act. And combined with everything else, she just couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong. 

She had arrived at the dorm building, and finally was able to get out of the rain. Shaking her umbrella off, she walked over to her room, where she went in and took off her raincoat. Flopping down on the bed, she texted Shuichi that she was back, and put on some music. She stayed there on the bed, her fingers silently playing along to Beethoven’s 5th, for quite some time while she tried to relax. But then she was startled out of her focus by Saihara’s response to her text. She flicked it open and read what it was. 

“i’m sorry”

An ominous feeling sunk into her stomach, and she leapt out of bed and ran to her boyfriend’s dorm. She knocked. No response. She knocked again. Still nothing. “Hello? Shuichi?” Again, no response. She felt panic rise in her as she checked the doorknob. It was unlocked. What she saw on the other side made her wish it wasn’t. 

It felt like a nightmare. Shuichi,  _ her Shuichi _ , was hanging from the ceiling light, suspended by a noose. A chair was knocked over beside him, slightly damaged by the fall. The boy’s face was a deathly pale, even more so than usual. In a haze, she dialed the emergency services, speaking feeling foreign, like she was a passenger in her own body. Putting the phone down, she looked around the room, anything to avoid focusing on the gruesome sight before her. On his bed, written on a piece of paper, was a note. Picking it up, she stared at it blankly for a minute, too shocked and overwhelmed already to read whatever it said. She was startled out of her silence when a group of paramedics came in and ushered her out of the room. Fast response time. Only the best for Hope’s Peak, she supposed. Dazed, she walked back to her room before she started to read the note.

_ Kaede, please don’t think that this is your fault. It’s not. I’m sorry beyond belief that I’m doing this to you, but given the other options, I’m left with no choice. I have nothing. Apart from you, all I have is an Ultimate title I don’t even deserve. Pathetic, isn’t it? I’m in the most prestigious school in the world, with a wonderful girlfriend. Countless people would kill to be in my place. And still, I’m taking the easy way out. You know, people are always horrified when they see videos of people jumping out of burning buildings. They just don’t understand. It’s not because the fall to the ground suddenly becomes appealing. It’s because the only alternative is the flames. I don’t want to do this. I just have to. I want to be the person you want me to be, the one you see me as, but I just can’t. It hurts too much.  _

_ Ever since I was a kid, I’ve always wished I was a girl. It’s never stopped. It’s never relented. Always. Maybe I could’ve told you. But I was too scared you would abandon me. You’re the light of my life, and the only reason I’ve survived this long. But even that light has become tinged green. I can’t even look at my own girlfriend, the most wonderful girl I’ve met, without being overcome with envy. The day we first consummated our relationship was also the one where i made up my mind to do this. I realized that I could never be the man you want me to be. Maybe you would’ve stayed if i told you, but that’s unlikely, and besides, staying with me would’ve destroyed your career. You have so much potential, and I can’t convince myself to be selfish enough to risk that. Every time I look in a mirror, every time you call me handsome, every time I speak, every time I go to my dorm on the boy’s side, it all just hurts so much. It’s like a little piece of me breaks off and dies. The only way I could ever be myself would be by giving you up, and I can’t bring myself to do that. Not to you. I’m sorry.  _

Kaede could hardly believe what the note said. It almost felt like some sort of sick joke. But… no. It’s not that she couldn’t accept Shuichi being trans, mind. She was already familiar with the concept. It’s hard to be particularly ignorant of a group of people your twin sister is part of. But that wasn’t the problem. It tore her up to realize how much her partner was hurting when she had no idea anything was wrong. The night that she lost her virginity to the person she loved most, that person decided to take their own life. She didn’t care what the note said. This  _ was _ her fault. If she had been just a little more perceptive, a little more intelligent, a few minutes faster, Shuichi would have been there in her arms. The thought was almost too much to bear. There was nothing she could do now, apart from hope beyond hope that everything would turn out okay. She fell asleep that night with her pillow soaked with tears.


	2. Dolce

Kaede was awake for who knows how long before she actually got up. If she stayed in bed, maybe she could just pretend that yesterday was just a dream and everything is actually fine. However, she was swifty roused from her fantasy when her phone rang with an unfamiliar number. The pianist got out of bed and picked the phone up to hear the voice of a rather gruff sounding man. “Kaede Akamatsu?”

She responded cautiously. “Yes? Who is this?” 

“Katashi Saihara. Shuichi’s Uncle. I’ve heard about what happened yesterday. Would you like to come with me to visit him in the hospital? I’m aware of your relationship, but not enough so as to be able to determine if you were involved in the incident.” The man was polite, almost to the point of being cold, but given that this was the man who had raised her partner, she trusted him. 

“Yes, absolutely, Mr. Saihara, I’d love to. Thank you so much.” She was immensely grateful to be able to visit so soon after what happened. 

“I’ll be at the school in two hours. I’m in the black Hyondo.” 

“Alright, Mr. Saihara! Again, thank you.” The man hung up. Well, Shuichi did say hi- their uncle could be blunt. 

Kaede spent the next two hours waiting in her room. She was too nervous to even practice, so she just listened to music to waste the time away. A couple times she was interrupted by classmates, even upperclassmen, coming by to give sympathy. Kirumi, Kiibo, Amami, even a surprisingly sincere Ouma came by to offer their condolences for what happened. As for the upperclassmen, the class representatives of both the elder years visited as well. A pale girl came first, and while she was… a touch quirky, the pianist could tell the she cared deeply for the school and its students. The other was a boy she knew quite well, one Makoto Naegi. He had obviously come to visit the second he was out of class. While they weren’t the closest, having met only recently during the previous school fair, the boy was clearly very upset to hear what had happened, and Kaede appreciated having a shoulder to cry on. The two spent the next half hour together, with Makoto staying until his next class started. While she was sad to see him leave, she thanked him for the support. 

Part of her still couldn’t believe the note she’d read last night. She could see the young detective’s handiwork on it, of course. The handwriting, the style, the wording, everything undeniably said Shuichi. But god, did she ever want to believe it wasn’t true. However, she understood well enough that turning a blind eye to it would only make things worse. Thinking back on it, although it came as a shock, it certainly made sense. She couldn’t exactly call her partner particularly masculine, even at the best of times, and, as she knew from past experience, being trans often came packaged with depression, anxiety, and the like, all of which were things she knew Shuichi had long struggled with. So, all in all, even though she didn’t expect it, Kaede certainly couldn’t say that there weren’t any signs, a phrase that took her back to the countless arguments her family had had before her sister moved out. Admittedly, she wasn’t exactly as initially accepting as she could’ve been, and she still regretted that, but then again, maybe it was a good thing that she’d been exposed to trans people beforehand, because she didn’t want to hurt Shuichi anymore than she already had. Kaede decided to dive in headfirst, because even though it’d be hard to change the way she referred to her partner, as long as it made her girlfriend happy, it was worth it to her.  _ Girlfriend _ , she smiled. She liked the sound of that.

Kaede’s train of thought was suddenly interrupted by an alarm. The two hours had finally passed, and before long she was out in the parking lot, scanning for the black car the phone call mentioned. Noticing it between a two vans, she waved to the driver, who either hadn’t noticed her or didn’t acknowledge the gesture. She walked over, at which point the driver unlocked the door and beckoned her in with a rather flat “Ms. Akamatsu.” Katashi was a very firm man. Tall and thin, with neat black hair and a pair of glasses adorning his well defined face, the pianist found him rather intimidating.

After she put her seatbelt on, Kaede decided to try and start a conversation, to make the ride a little less uncomfortable. “So, Mr. Saihara, I’ve heard a lot of things about you. I wish we could’ve met under different circumstances.” 

“Yes, indeed. Tell me about what happened yesterday.” 

The pianist nearly jumped from the sudden change in topic. “Wh-What?” 

“What happened yesterday. What lead to you discovering my nephew’s body as well as what came after. I don’t mean to be rude or upsetting, but you must understand how this looks. Nearly out of the blue, my nephew attempts suicide, and not long after begining his first serious relationship. I’ve no desire to suspect you of anything, but I just need to know more about the incident to be able to properly understand what’s going on as well as how you’re implicated in it.”

Kaede was uncomfortable, but could see his reasoning. “I understand. Well, on the day it happened, I was practicing piano, but I stopped early because I couldn’t focus.” 

“Why was that?” “Well, I was worried about Shuichi. He’d been acting distant for a few weeks at that point.” She cringed a little inside on using “he”, but she doubted her girlfriend would appreciate being outed within a day of her finding out. 

“Do you have any thoughts as to why that might have been the case?” 

She initially wasn’t sure whether to lie or not, but the pianist settled on honesty. “Maybe, but I’d prefer not to discuss that. It’s a private matter.” The man still raised an eyebrow at that, but he seemed satisfied enough not to prod further. 

“Alright. Then what happened?” “I texted him, and his response gave me a really bad feeling.” “A bad feeling? Why?” “It was uncharacteristic of him. ‘i’m sorry’. No capitals, no explanation, just two words. Shuichi never types like that.” Katashi responded with a quiet hum. 

“After that, I went over to his dorm, which was unlocked- it’s never unlocked- and found… found out what had happened.” “Anything noteworthy about what you saw?” Kaede pondered for a moment. “Apart from the obvious, not much, apart from a note which was, again, a very personal matter.”  

He nodded. “What about afterwards?” “I called an ambulance and went back to my room where I fell asleep. Nothing much else.” Glancing out the window, Kaede could see the hospital’s parking lot approach them. 

“Thank you, Ms. Akamatsu. I appreciate honesty, and I understand that the events may have included some very personal information. It appears that my nephew chose well.” Flattered, his passenger thanked him as the car came to a stop and they got out to enter the building’s waiting room. 

Kaede sat down as the detective was cleared to visit by the attendant, quietly preparing herself for the visit. She was worried that Shuichi might panic upon seeing her, or at least feel guilty, and that’s not even taking the note into account; essentially, the Ultimate Detective was very much not in a good state of mind, and Kaede could only hope that her appearance wouldn’t make it worse. 

Drawing her back to the present, Katashi walked back over to her and ushered her to follow him, clearly having mentioned her to the attendant. Mystified, she could only follow the man through the maze of corridors and stairs. But eventually, the man went into one of the hospital rooms, and Kaede followed him.

Laying in a cot, and hooked up to an IV, there was Shuichi, slowly sitting up in the bed. A warm, but guilty expression settled on her face upon seeing Katashi, which was quickly startled off when Kaede came into view. The girl’s startled look reminded her of an injured animal, which was appropriate, given her physical condition. The Ultimate was still paler than usual, and her neck was visibly red and bruise speckled. Trying to comfort the girl, Kaede smiled, trying to hold back the tears that were welling up in her eyes. This somewhat worked, causing Shuichi to look at least slightly less like she would bolt out of the room were she not hooked up to a smorgasbord of medical equipment. The elder Saihara, ever the quiet man, observed the couple, and appeared to have no intention of opening the conversation himself, so Kaede decided to do so. 

“God, Shu… I was worried half to death about you!” 

“S-Sorry…” Saihara averted her eyes, her voice sounding strained and scratchy. 

“You don’t need to talk if you don’t want to, okay? And please, please don’t feel guilty about this. I’m not upset with you, I’m just glad you’re okay.” After a pause, she nodded back. “I love you, Shuichi, and nothing is going to change that.” 

With a slight smirk, Katashi spoke up. “You know what, I’m satisfied. I’m confident my nephew’s in good hands. I’ll leave you be so you can ” The man left the room, causing Kaede to release a relieved sigh. 

“I read the note you left.” She saw the panic creep back into her lover’s eyes, and swiftly made her intentions unambiguous. “I just want you to know that it doesn’t change how I feel about you in the slightest.” 

Shuichi’s panic then gave way to confusion. “But… how?” 

“It’s simple. I didn’t fall in love with your body, or your voice, or how you dress, or anything like that. I fell in love with  _ you _ . I care so much more about your happiness than how flat your chest is. So, I’m going to do whatever is necessary to make my girlfriend the happiest person she can be!” 

Saihara was stunned. She hadn’t expected to even be alive today, let alone experiencing what might be the happiest moment of her life. “Y-You’re… serious?” 

“Absolutely. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to help you live your life to its fullest, as yourself. Oh, and don’t worry about my career. If some venue won’t take me because of you, they’re the only ones losing out. It’s not like I’m going to be starving for job offers, there aren’t many other Ultimate Pianists out there.” 

“... Fair point. In my past self’s defense, I wasn’t exactly in the most rational state of mind.” 

Kaede nodded. “I understand. I know I probably don’t seem like it, but I’ve had struggles like that of my own. When you’re feeling that way, your mind will warp just about anything into a weapon to harm itself with.” 

“Yeah…” Saihara trailed off, seemingly lost in thought. “You know, I still can’t believe you’re taking this so well. How is that?” 

“Well, first of all, compared to the suicide attempt, it’s not terribly shocking. Secondly, you’re not the first person I’ve known to come out as trans.” 

“Huh?” 

“My sister. I haven’t spoken about her much to you, for this exact reason, ironically.” Shuichi raised her eyebrows. “Really? You never talked much about your family.” “Yep. We’re twins. Fraternal, obviously. But anyways, as I was saying, the third reason is because I’m bi. It’s not like I’ll get less attracted to you if you transition or anything.” 

The young detective sighed and looked down guiltily. “God… This feels like a dream. Are you sure I haven’t died and gone to heaven?” 

Kaede smiled. “I’m absolutely certain. This isn’t a dream. I’m here to stay.” She heard a quiet sniffle, and noticed Shuichi holding back tears. Suddenly, protective urges hit her like a truck as she pulled the girl into an embrace. The two of them stayed like that for what felt like hours, until a knock on the door pulled them out of the moment.

“Excuse me.” Katashi’s voice came through the door before he opened it. Seeing the scene that was before him, he smiled. “Sorry to intrude.” 

Kaede, turning around to sit on the hospital bed, shook her head. “It’s okay. We’re both okay.” She held her girlfriend’s hand in her lap, smiling as she stroked it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was sitting in my doc mostly finished for like a week while I edited it. Hopefully it doesn't read like the horrifying frankensteined together abomination that its creation evoked. I hope you all enjoyed this! I'll finish editing chapter 2.5 before too long, so I'm going to have to actually progress the plot soon. oh god how does that work?  
> That was only mostly a joke.


	3. Pianissimo

When Shuichi woke up in a hospital bed, she knew exactly what had happened.  _ Idiot. You knew sending that text was going to result in this. Kaede would be better off without a stupid leech like you hanging around- at least not metaphorically.  _ Nobody would ever surpass Saihara’s own ability to drive a knife into her heart and twist it until it breaks.  That was exactly the reason why she was in this position in the first place. It was odd- she’d been in hospitals plenty of times, listening to her uncle speak with victims or doctors who were relevant to his cases, but she’d never been one of those victims. One of the people in those pallid green hospital gowns (which were actually remarkably comfortable, now that she was wearing one, and thank lord for that- her neck was sore enough already, and that was with painkillers). The detective fidgeted, trying to find a comfortable position now that she was acutely aware of the pain reaching across her throat. Eventually, she found a position that was tolerable, and she slowly drifted back to sleep.

That is, until the door creaked open. She assumed it was a nurse coming to check on her, but she opened her eyes a crack to check. Relief flooded her when she saw the familiar face of her uncle, only for that relief to suddenly evaporate as a girl in pink followed him. Kaede was there? Why? Oh god, did she tell him? Does he know?  _ She’s probably just here to dump you. Why would someone as perfect as her want broken trash like you? There’s no reason for her to stay now that she knows. Sure, maybe she’s bi, so what? Why would she choose a fake girl when she has so many real ones to choose from? Besides, she could go dumpster diving and pick out a better partner than you. At least a half rotten chicken can die properly. _ Rapidly descending into panic, Shuichi fruitlessly scanned the room for a way out,  _ any  _ way out, but the only thing she could focus on was Kaede. Why was she there? Why was she… smiling? Shuichi froze as she saw tears forming in the pianist’s eyes.

“God, Shu… I was worried half to death about you!” As the blonde girl walked over next to the cot, Saihara stuttered out a startled apology. Kaede continued to speak, but the raven haired girl wasn’t really listening. Her brain was just responding on autopilot. Why? Why was her girlfriend doing this? Did she somehow miss the note? The girl snapped back to the present as her uncle announced his departure. 

“Alright, I’m satisfied. I’m confident my nephew’s in good hands.”  _ Nephew.  _ That word stung almost as much as her neck did.

“I read the note you left.” Kaede’s words launched the young detective into a panic.  _ You know she’s just here to rub salt into the wound. You can’t even kill yourself right. All you’re good for is making other people deal with your stupid problems. _ The girl refocused, trying to pull out of the downward spiral she was headed into. She looked back at Kaede. Still smiling, still half crying- someone only there to hurt her wouldn’t be doing that. Right? The girl smiled back, her confidence slightly restored. The pianist held her hand and looked into her eyes before she began to speak. “I just want you to know that it doesn’t change how I feel about you in the slightest.”

“But… How?”

Kaede smiled, wide and bright as the sun. “It’s simple. I didn’t fall in love with your body, or your voice, or how you dress, or anything like that. I fell in love with  _ you _ . I care so much more about your happiness  than how flat your chest is . So, I’m going to do whatever is necessary to make my girlfriend the happiest person she can be!” Shuichi didn’t really understand why Kaede was saying this, as after hearing the word “girlfriend” applied to her, she was too busy melting into a very happy puddle to pay attention. She still made a token effort to ask Kaede questions about why she was doing this, but she didn’t really care. She finally was being given what she needed, for the first time in her life. Even after she had given up all hope, Kaede hadn’t. She stuck by her, even through this. God, what did she do to deserve this absolute ray of sunshine of a girl? Held in her girlfriend’s embrace, she didn’t even notice the tears welling up in her eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I'm publishing this on a whim while a friend is sleeping over, so IDK exactly how good it is, but I mean it's good enough by my standards at nearly midnight. Also I'm going to be at PAX East on Sunday with said friend, so if by some statistical miracle any of you are going to be there, I guess you might have run into me? To preserve my privacy I won't say much, but if you see a random girl being followed around by a short P5 Anne cosplayer there, there's a chance it's me. But anyways, the actual next chapter will probably be out within the next week and a half.


	4. Duet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this took a little longer than I was hoping. But thankfully, I'm done with school, so I can definitely probably update more consistently!

Kaede could barely focus on anything for the rest of the week her lover was in the hospital. She wasn’t able to visit again because Katashi was busy with case work, so the most she could do was call whenever it was allowed. Thankfully, the time passed by soon enough, and before she knew it, her girlfriend was on her way back to the school grounds. The pianist waited restlessly by the lot for her to arrive, sitting on a bench in the brisk evening air. She distracted herself as best she could, but it still felt like an eternity. 

Eventually, however, she saw a familiar black vehicle pulling in and started tapping her feet like an excited puppy. God, she’d been missing Shuichi so damn much. So much, in fact, that in her excitement, she hadn’t noticed the girl she was so excited over getting out of the car. A fact which, upon realizing, the pianist responded to by running up to and violently hugging the target of her affections. “Ah! Kaede-!”

“Geez… I missed you so much, Shu…” After a minute of embrace, during which the elder Saihara drove off, the two regretfully disentangled themselves so they could go somewhere more private. Kaede could hear the curious murmurs of students as they made their way to the dorms, but couldn’t make herself care enough to pay attention to anything other than the hand that was touching hers. Her grip on said hand tightened as the two went into the dormitory building. The place where  _ that _ happened. She wasn’t quite sure how the time since that day had passed so quickly, but because of that, the memory still burned brightly in her mind. She bit her cheek a little as they walked past the hallway with the boy’s dorms.

“Kaede, you went past my dorm.” “Look, we've spent a total of five minutes together since you got back. I'm not just gonna abandon you the first chance I get, and dump you back into  _ that _ room, okay?” Shuichi protested meekly as she was dragged across the building to the blonde’s room.

“W-wait! It’s against the rules for a boy to go into a girl’s room this late! What if someone sees?!” Kaede huffed as she unlocked her door.

“Shuichi, if anybody complains about this, I am personally going to punch them in the gut. It’s a stupid rule nobody follows, you more than deserve some leniency, and besides,” She pulled her partner into her room before shutting the door. “I don’t see any boys here.” The detective blushed and quietly mumbled, reaching towards her head for a hat that was still halfway across the building. She was wearing a black coat and scarf, both of which just a bit too heavy for the early spring weather to justify.

Kaede’s smile faltered as she realized what that meant. “That scarf...“ The pale girl bit her lip and nodded before taking it off, revealing an angry looking v-shaped mark on her neck. Then, suddenly, she was knocked over onto the bed, Kaede’s arms wrapped tightly around her. “Shuichi…” Kaede buried her face into her girlfriend’s shoulder, her eyes dusted with tears. “I just… god, I was so scared! I’m so sorry I couldn’t make you feel safe enough to tell me…”

”Kaede, it wasn’t your fault, I’m… I’m so sorry… I did all that and didn’t even think about what it’d do to you… I’m sorry I’m so stupid and selfish…” Now they were both crying, held tight in eachothers arms.

“Shu! No! You’re not either of those things! You’re not selfish- if anything, you’re not selfish enough. And you’re sure as hell not stupid! You’re one of the smartest people I’ve ever met, and that’s one of the things I love about you!” The other girl didn’t have a response. “I promise that I’m never going to let you hurt like that again. I know you said that what happened wasn’t my fault, but I know that I could’ve prevented it if I had realized sooner. I’m sorry. I’ll do my very best to make it up to you. You don’t need to be afraid anymore.” Kaede steadied her breathing as she felt her girlfriend’s embrace tighten around her. As her tears started to dry, she went in for the metaphorical killing blow. “I love you, sweetheart.”

Shuichi froze for a moment as she took that word in. The last time she’d heard it was a month ago, out of her own mouth. She said it just moments before the two of them slept together for the first time- just hours before she had lost all hope in her future. One might expect this to mean hearing the word again would conjure up bad memories of that night, but that wouldn’t quite be the truth. Because now, the girl was in exactly the opposite position than she was at the time, one that felt much more comfortable: pinned to the bed by her girlfriend’s weight, the pianist’s lithe arms wrapped around her.

She stammered out a response. “K-Kaede… please m-move… I-I’m getting embarrassed...”

“I- oh!” She rolled off of the detective as she realized the position the two of them were in. ”Sorry, I wasn’t really thinking…”

“It’s okay… I d-didn’t dislike it…” The young detective cupped her hands over her face to cover her furious blush.

“You know, Shu, you’re really damn cute.” “I-I-I’m what?!”

After letting out a quiet giggle, the blonde responded. “Cute. I mean, I already thought it before you came out. But now, I can tell you you’re adorable as much as I want and not have to worry you won’t like it! Anyways, you should really take that coat off, unless you want to get heatstroke.”

“A-ah, you’re right.” Shuichi, obviously thankful for the change in subject, unbuttoned her coat and laid it on the floor.

“Geez, I’m hungry…” Kaede groaned as she flopped down on the bed.

“W-Wait, you haven’t eaten?”

“Yeah, I was too excited to grab anything. Have you?” The pianist blushed with embarrassment.

“Me neither. Do you want to go out, or make something here, or get take-out somewhere, or...?” The young detective left the question wide open for suggestions.

“I dunno, how about chinese food? There’s that place nearby that does delivery. I’ve been meaning to try it.” “Sounds good. Should I-”

The blonde, rooting through a small pile of menus, cut her off. “I’ll order. They have online. Ah, here.” The menu landed in Saihara’s lap. As her girlfriend scanned through the pamphlet, the musician pulled her phone out. “So whaddya want?”

“Hmm… chicken teriyaki, I guess?” Kaede nodded peppily.

“Wonderful. Ooh! They have those peanut noodles, right?” “Umm…” The other girl flipped through the menu. “There! Yep.”

“Great! Lemme just… there you go! Should be here in a bit. Nice. So, umm… do you want to talk?”

The girl in question was slightly taken aback. “Talk? W-What about?” “Well… your plans. For the future. Involving… you know…”

Shuichi looked confused for a moment, before realizing what her girlfriend meant. “Oh! I mean… I do intend to start hormones at some point… but social transition? As a Hope’s Peak student? Please. I’d be the country’s laughingstock. My only decent bet would be to fake my own death.” The detective let out a dark chuckle.

“Shu, that’s ridiculous. Have you  _ heard _ how much bad press the HPA administration’s been getting after what happened? They’ve never had to deal with something like this before, and it’s showing. They’d probably agree to almost anything you ask, as long as it helps them save face. And besides, it’s not like you’d  _ only _ be getting protection from the school. I might not be a bodybuilder, but I do have social clout. I mean, I’m on good enough terms with Sayaka that she’d probably raise a little hell for you if I begged her hard enough.”

Shuichi was slightly flustered by her girlfriend’s kindness, but was mostly just incredulous towards the last statement. “Wait, Sayaka? As in Sayaka Maizono?”

Kaede seemed confused. “Yeah? What about it? She goes here, we use the same music hall sometimes, of course we know each other. We’re not best friends or anything, but we talk sometimes. We’re at least close enough that she offered to do a collab with me.”

“... Lordy. What in the hell did I do to deserve someone as successful as you? I’m barely even a detective, and you’re here getting work offers from the most successful idol in Japan…” The blonde girl pouted. “That’s not true, and even if it was, it wouldn’t matter. I'd love you just as much if you weren't an Ultimate. But you are, and that's for a reason. No matter how much your mind lies and says it isn't, the truth will always shine through, okay? Ah-!”

She heard a knock at the door. “About time, I was starving.” The girl grabbed her wallet off a shelf and grabbed a note as her partner startled. “Oh, I'm sorry! I don't have any money on me. I'll pay you back later.” The pianist smirked as she responded. ”Shu, you've paid for enough dates already, and I'm more than happy to return the favor.”

Smiling, Kaede opened the door to the delivery man as her girlfriend quietly groaned in embarrassment.


	5. Nocturne

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey. This fic's still alive. I'm just really, REALLY bad at updating consistently. Sorry.

The ultimate detective watched as her girlfriend slurped down one last mouthful of noodles. “Geez, that was way better than it had any right to be, for the price.” 

Shuichi, picking a skewer clean, responded. “You hadn’t eaten in nine hours. Of course it tasted good. Anyways, I’ll put the dishes away. It’s the least I can do.” However, as the girl did just that, she was nearly startled into dropping them when her phone suddenly began to ring. “W-what the hell? Sorry, I need to take this. Nobody ever calls my phone, so it’s probably something important.” Pulling the device out of her pocket as she set the cookware on a counter, Shuichi picked up the call.

“Darling! What happened? I heard on the news what you did and… why?!” The girl racked her brain to identify the unfamiliar woman. She said darling, so presumably it was someone she knew… she vaguely recognized the voice, although she couldn’t quite place it… and that accent...  American? But still speaking fluent Japanese. That meant- oh no.

“MOM?!” “Honey, what was it? The stress from school? Bullying? Your uncle? I never really trusted h-”

Interrupting, the girl stammered out a response. “W-wait, back up. You’re calling me?”

“Of course, honey, when I heard, what else could I do?”

“Mom, when you found out I was accepted to one of the world’s most prestigious schools, you sent me an email about it. I don’t even have your number on my contacts.”

“I’m so sorry, dear, it’s just, you know work here in Hollywood is so busy, your father and I can almost never get the time to call you!” She doubted that calling your child took so much time that her parents couldn’t fit it into their schedules to call even once a year.

“Well, mom, I’m actually kinda preoccupied right now, so can we have this conversation later?”

“Of course, sweetheart. You know, I heard you have a girlfriend now, already! I can’t believe my little boy’s growing up to be such a stud!” “... Love you too, mom.”

Hanging up before a response could be made, the girl tried to focus on something, anything, to take her mind off the almost deafening static in her mind.  _ Remember what the therapist at the hospital said. Just breathe. One one thousand, two one thousand, three one th _ -

“Shuichi?” The musician shook her gently. “Are you alright?”

“I-I’m fine. I’m just feeling… numb. I haven’t seen her, or my father, since I was six. They left for an acting job in America, and then just… never came back. The most interaction I usually get with them is getting some cash for food once a month.”  _ Of course they abandoned you. You’re nothing but a worthless burden. _

“Are you sure you’re alright, Shu? You’re kinda spacing out. Remember, it’s okay to ask for help, even if you aren’t sure you deserve it, alright?” Shuichi, silent, averted her eyes, prompting her girlfriend to respond with a concerned sigh.  _ Hear that? She’s starting to get exhausted because of you. She’ll get tired of babysitting a broken mess like you soon enough, and then you’ll be right back where you were, tied to a ceiling light. _ “Geez, poor thing…”

Feeling her partner’s arms wrapped around her, the detective’s train of thought was rapidly derailed by an avalanche of warm, fuzzy feelings, making her forget whatever she was about to say. “Wh-what do you mean?! I’m not… How could I be…?”

“The fact that you got into Hope’s Peak doesn’t invalidate every bad thing that has ever happened to you.” Kaede held her hand tightly.

“But… bad things haven’t happened to me. I’ve gotten absurdly lucky.” Saihara averted her eyes.  _ You really won’t want to see the look on her face when she realizes how much of a failure you are. _

Unconvinced, the blonde quietly huffed. “Ah, you’re right, I never realized how much good luck you’ve had. Good luck like having terrible parents, or having depression, or, hell, just being born trans in the first place. Look, you’re not stupid, Shu. Far from it. So seeing you say such groundless things hurts, because It shows how you feel, if you’re so browbeaten by your own mind that you’ll accept something like that as fact. And I didn’t mean that it hurts in a bad way, or a way that’s your fault. It hurts in a way that makes me want to help you, more than anything else in the world.” The detective began blushing furiously, and her mind was racing. She needed to change the topic to something else.  _ Anything _ else. If she couldn’t, she’d probably spontaneously combust, given how hot her face already felt. Darting around the room, her eyes fell upon an opening.

“You know, it’s getting  _ really _ late. We should probably go to bed.”

After a moment of silence, her partner nodded. “Yeah. I’ll go brush my teeth. Do you have any of your things with you?”

“I don’t, but I fail to see how that’s relevant unless one of us is going to sleep on the couch.”

Kaede looked at her, confused. “We’ve fucked. Why would I make you sleep on the couch?” “... fair enough. I won’t intrude on your personal space, though. I can sleep in my own room just fine.”

The pianist frowned. “It’s not an issue. At all. In fact, I’d be thrilled to share my bed with you. But I understand. It’s your choice. You can go there and grab your stuff if you want to sleep here, and, if not, just collapse on the bed. Just text me when you’ve decided.” After a nod, the pale girl waved goodnight, and walked out the door, leaving a worried pianist in her wake.

The dormitory hallways were unsurprisingly quiet at one in the morning, almost to an eerie degree. Shuichi couldn’t hear anything apart from the thumps of her own footsteps on the hardwood flooring. She was absolutely  _ exhausted _ . She could probably just lie down on the floor and sleep right there, it’d still be better than a hospital bed. Discomfort wormed its way into her as she got to the other side of the building.  _ Stay calm. Nothing bad is going to happen from you sleeping in your own room. _ Despite herself, the girl picked up her pace a little, trying to get this over with as quickly as possible. Rushing to her door, she jammed the key into the lock, turned it, and opened the door.

She took one step into the room before she froze.


	6. Accelerando

Kaede had started to get nervous. Shuichi had been gone for fifteen minutes and still hadn’t texted her. Sure, she _might_ have just fallen asleep without answering her, but that answer didn’t satisfy her. An uneasy feeling was burrowing deep into her stomach, and she couldn’t shake it, no matter what she did. Sighing, the girl got up out of her bed, put a pair of slippers on, and left the room before breaking into a nervous jog. (The soundproofing in the dorm building was scarily good, so she didn’t have to worry about being quiet.)

After a minute, she started to approach her destination. Entering the hallway, Kaede saw that one of the doors was… open. Wait, wasn’t that Shuichi’s door? Thinking for a moment, the pianist concluded it was. That wasn’t a great sign. When she finally got to the door, her fears were simultaneously assuaged and stoked by the sight of her girlfriend just… standing there, frozen like a deer in the headlights. While the worst of what the girl feared was disproven, this still wasn’t good in the slightest. She calmly and quietly walked up behind the still girl, and reached a hand onto her shoulder.As the blonde’s hand touched her girlfriend, it felt a startled jolt before the other girl turned around.

“Ah! K-kaede! I wasn’t… I’m sorry…”

“Don’t apologize. It looks like you’re not doing great. You go back over to my room, make yourself comfortable, and I’ll grab your stuff and bring it back. Okay?”  Shuichi frowned, but nodded. After a hug, the two parted ways yet again. Kaede stepped in, and a few minutes later, stepped back out carrying a toothbrush, some toothpaste, and a set of pajamas.

When the pianist returned to her room, she saw Shuichi curled up on the couch, desperately trying to pull herself together. However, the girl’s composure broke as soon as she realized she wasn’t alone.

“I don’t understand… why didn’t you let me die?”

Kaede’s heart seemed to shatter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the super short, probably bad chapter, I've just been having trouble getting the drive to write much. Nothing's canceled, or even on hold, I'm just acknowledging how terrible I am at updating.
> 
> EDITED 2019/6/18: I just reformatted this entire fic so far. It took a while, but it cleared out my writer's block a little, so I don't mind. I also made some minor tweaks to wording at a couple points, so if anything seems different it's probably that and not just you going insane.

**Author's Note:**

> This is absolute self-indulgent garbage and I love it. It always confused me how when Trans!Shuichi hcs come up, they're always written as a trans guy. Granted, nothing is wrong with that, but at least to me, they always made more sense as a trans girl. TBH this fandom is pretty saturated with trans guy fics and I'm just wanting to balance it out a little. Also this ship is adorable. Anyways, thank you for reading!


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